Angry campaign making strange bedfellows out of bedfellows

Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders got off to a civil start on Thursday night.BRIAN SNYDER/REUTERS

Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders got off to a civil start on Thursday night.

This election should be the Democrats’ finest hour, but it is tearing us apart!

She’s too anxious and high strung. He’s too much of an angry guy. They should see eye to eye on every issue because, basically, they’re both progressives who care about a fairer, more just nation.

Why can’t they just sit and quietly discuss the issues instead of having these unnecessarily angry debates?

Of course, I’m talking about my girlfriend and me.

We went into this election season completely on the same page — both left-leaning urbanites who care about justice, the environment and nice cocktails — yet even as our party is on the cusp of a historic three-peat, we’re bickering, we’re frustrated and we’re angry.

She blames him, of course.

Bernie, I mean.

To my lover, Sanders’ angry grandpa act is wearing very thin. Even when he’s highlighting the “crisis” of global warming, he rejects Hillary Clinton’s proposals as “incremental” when all he offers is a moonshot that simply won’t get through Congress.

I blame her, of course.

Hillary, that is.

But then it got ugly fast.LUCAS JACKSON/REUTERS

But then it got ugly fast.

She’s the ultimate insider who says she “spoke out” against Wall Street even while taking hundreds of thousands of dollars from its honchos. And she says she’ll fight global warming, but she’s helped export fracking around the world — again, under influence from that industry.

She’s obviously the smarter and more qualified of the two, but she also acts like her intelligence and qualifications should be so obvious that she shouldn’t have to even campaign. But he’s lazy about the facts, which is even more annoying.

That’s how it plays out on the TV screen. Here’s how it plays out in the bedroom.

As a journalist, I think both candidates are full of crap. I’ve covered too many elections to believe a word they say or to buy into any of the image-making they churn out.

But as a real working New Yorker, my girlfriend still expects White House aspirants to make clear, cogent cases for why they’d be a good president — which is why the debates make her angry.

And no amount of me saying, “Don’t worry, baby, I’m sure we’ll get EB-5 reform” calms her down.

To her, it’s all manufactured conflict designed to highlight tiny distinctions between the candidates’ style rather than explore genuine differences in their substance and even areas of overlap that could be productive to recognize and even harness.

“I would like to elect someone I believe will be a peaceful influence in the world, but debates make no one seem that way,” she told me last night. “So then I just throw in the towel and hate them all.”

Of course, my tweets don’t help.

At the start of the debate, I was bemused by Bernie’s odd hand-gestures, so I tweeted, “Why does Bernie keep asking for the check?” She liked that one.

Seconds later, I noticed that Hillary was doing that thing she does, where she starts naming all the economically depressed areas she’s visited.

“New drinking game,” I tweeted. “Drink whenever Hillary mentions a distressed upstate town.”

Uh-oh! She didn’t like that one.

“You make fun of Bernie, but you attack Hillary,” I was told. “Why didn’t you post, ‘Drink whenever Bernie mentions breaking up the banks’? That would be the same.” She’s right. I’m not an equal opportunity Twitter troll!

“This is what happens with these debates,” she continued. “I get stressed out because the candidates are being jerks — then you tweet something and it feels like you’re part of the problem.

“So I direct my anger towards you! You’re the closest target.”

Like I said, this election is tearing us apart.

But the truth is, I’m not too worried about suffering what relationship experts are calling “Election Breakups.” She’ll need me come November, when the choices become even scarier.

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