If you thought Ted Cruz discussing how he watched porn with Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O’Connor while his daughters sat nearby is the only time he’s made his family massively uncomfortable, you’d be wrong.
Because it doesn’t stop there. Because Ted Cruz never stops, especially when it comes to causing his family to feel profoundly unpleasant.
You can’t escape a Cruz kiss
Cruz might have some trouble if he turns out to be as good at rounding up Muslims as he is at rounding up public displays of warmth. The day before Cruz won the Iowa caucus with 27.6 percent of the vote, he was winning zero percent of daughter Christine’s attention outside of his campaign bus.
Ted Cruz managed to turn the Hawkeye State into the Avert-your-eyes State with his campaign’s uncomfortableness.
In this awkward installment of the Cruz campaign, he goes in to kiss his daughter on the cheek. Christine pulls back. He goes in again but she bobs and weaves like a tiny Muhammad Ali. Now she just needs to master the stick and move.
Now act like I’m electable
To avoid laws that prohibit campaigns from working directly with super PACs, Cruz’s team posted hours of raw footage of the junior senator on YouTube. In turn, super PACs can take the footage and cut it into campaign commercials. However, the Cruz campaign left in countless moments in which Cruz and his director command family members to compliment him, hug him and look at him. Being good sports, they go along. Ted Cruz being Ted Cruz, he makes it as painful as possible.
Ted Cruz treats his daughter’s faux cheese like a foe’s squeeze
Back out on the campaign trail, Caroline Cruz tries to give her dad a piece of Wisconsin pride. She’s able to slip her cheesehead hat onto Ted’s head for just a moment before he shuts it down faster than the federal government. He puts the lactose-laden lid back on his daughter’s head then quickly fixes his hair while Gov. Scott Walker gives Caroline a pat on the cheddar as if to say, “That was cute how you tried to make your dad seem human.”
Nobody gives a relative an awkward backrub like the Texas senator. In the raw footage that just keeps on giving, Cruz locks eyes with his aunt, rubbing her down with all the warmth of an undertaker that’s secretly a robot. The real gem though is how long he keeps his ham on his dad’s sister. For approximately 16 minutes and 15 seconds, Cruz’s hand appears to never stray from her back. Listen up, Trump: This guy doesn’t quit. Not when it comes to politics and not when it comes to his aunt.